the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
