Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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