A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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