I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
