a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
