i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
