I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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