When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
