A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize