She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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