What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
