Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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