Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
