I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
