Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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