dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
