Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
this boner is exhausting
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
