I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
