I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
