Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
