Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize