I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning