sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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