We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
