Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
