i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The Olympian is in my bed
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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