I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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