guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
