I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
