ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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