was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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