I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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