I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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