He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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