I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
