oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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