you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
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He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
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they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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