I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
