Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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