i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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