We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
