I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
