I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
