If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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