another moral hangover. fuck.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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