somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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