I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
