I will die if light touches me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have feelings that need drinking.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
