hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
