I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
