It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
