I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
