Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
