there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
