i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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